Time For a New Title

Well, "Simply Seeking" isn't going to cut it anymore. My seeking process came to an abrupt halt this past week, and on WEDNESDAY, FEB. 10, 2010, I went for it! More on the events leading up to it in a bit, but I want to linger just a while on what I just wrote. I'm not who I used to be. I'm a totally new, totally free person. And all because I finally ran to Him, as our lead pastor is fond of saying, and I made it!

Man, it feels good to see that in print.

So, what does it take to go from a 30-plus year seeking process to the sudden embrace of God? It takes a Moment, which was the lesson this past weekend at Quest. But I'm getting ahead of myself. How I got to my own Moment is the main point of this particular rambling.

For the sake of brevity, I'll only go back to Saturday. (Oh, trust me, I could get back to the early eighties at least - and maybe the late seventies. But nobody wants that). I was already stressed out about work things from the past week. Saturday morning I had to go to a board meeting for a non-profit group I've been helping, and that only stressed me out more - donations are down, we're in trouble, etc. Then I came back home, to more stuff that's been bugging me... things like needing to get our house ready to sell or, at the very least, finding a suitable nursery space for our new daughter who will join our family sometime this summer. To summarize, I had a bunch of things pulling at me from all sorts of directions. Some of the stuff seemed so big as to be insurmountable, some so small it's hard to know why it even mattered - but the point was, it was all there. (Editorial note: it feels so good to see all that in past tense!)

We went to the Saturday night service at Quest, and heard Pastor Pete's incredible talk on having your Moment. Right in the middle, he said something that hit me in the face like a ton of bricks: if your spiritual life isn't going well, nothing else in your life will, either. Whoa. "That certainly sounds like me," I thought. There was a spontaneous Gospel clarification at the end of the talk, and for a second I got all excited thinking this would finally be my time. But no... all the way through, I just sat in my seat, absolutely, miserably despondant that I wasn't feeling anything.

Sunday night we came back to Quest for the Super Bowl party, a funny statement in and of itself as my lack of knowledge of anything football-related is painfully obvious to anybody who knows me. (Literally painful in terms of a Life Group flag football game back in the fall, although for whatever reason the guys still talk to me. But I digress.) Anyhow, I'm at this party and I meet up with a couple of guys from my Group. We were recapping the weekend's teaching, and I mentioned how bummed I was that I didn't feel anything during the end. At which point, one of the guys looked at me and said, "Do you think you have to feel a certain way?" I didn't answer. I also didn't sleep much Sunday night, because I couldn't stop thinking about that.

Now, up until this point, the inability to stop thinking about things had been one of my biggest obstacles. God was about to use that, though.

It was still rattling around my head Monday at the office. I couldn't stop thinking about the Revelation 3 door, where Jesus is knocking and all you have to do is let him in. I was thinking again about the wall I've built around my heart, that I've tried and tried to remove but couldn't.

I took a late lunch, and in the quiet of the breakroom I pulled out my Monday Bible reading. (I found an awesome reading schedule online back around the start of the year that divides the readings up by literary style, so one day is history, one day poetry, one day epistles, etc. It's a very refreshing change from the 'straight-through' variants I've tried in the past, which all ended in February somewhere around Leviticus.) Monday's reading was from Joshua, the big climactic battle scene at Jericho.

'Joshua and the Battle of Jericho' is one of those Bible passages most everyone is familiar with, right up there with the ark and the Christmas story and Joseph's coat. It's the stuff VBS is made of. And honestly, when I saw what was coming up for my daily reading, I was tempted to skip ahead to something 'new' to me. But I was curious to see how the NLT renders the story, and it didn't feel right to 'cheat' on my Bible reading, so I forged ahead.

After I finished, I sat back in my chair. A light had just flipped on. Even though I 'knew' the story, I'd never thought of processing it in a personal way (I rarely find myself in a situation where I'm storming an ancient fortified city). But suddenly from out of nowhere I saw the implications of what I'd just read in my own life. The 'wall' doesn't have to be a physical pile of bricks. The wall around my heart was just as real. In Jericho, Joshua didn't tear down the wall. All Joshua had to do was believe, and God tore down the wall. Huh. God can tear down walls if you just let Him? Double whoa.

It can't be that easy, I told myself. What about the Rev. 3 door? Then I got a very clear picture of that exchange between Jesus and me. I'll provide it here in handy skit form.

Jesus: (knocks)

Me: Just a minute!

Jesus: (knocks)

Me: Coming! How the heck do you open this thing? Where's my book? Ah! (Reaches for dog-eared copy of Door Operation For Dummies. Flips to page 46, "So you want to open a door?")

Jesus: (knocks)

Me: Almost got it! I want to let you in, but I don't know how to open the door!

Jesus: (slight pause, mid-knock) That's the holdup? Um, let's see... have you tried turning the knob? I used to be a carpenter, you know - I know a thing or three about doors. Just try twisting it and see what happens.

Just like that. Triple whoa. But still, I thought, that can't be all there is to it. I resolved to email one of the guys from Group to see if I had been going at the whole thing backwards - waiting to feel something to open my heart, yet not opening my heart until I felt something. When I came back to my desk from lunch, I had a short email from the guy I was planning on writing to, saying he just felt like he should check in to see what's up. I actually said "Oh, come on!" out loud in my office. (To which, I now imagine, God probably responded, "Don't make me drop frogs. I'll do it.")

And so, that's how it happened. A Moment when I realized, finally, that I didn't have to tear down the wall. A Moment where I realized that opening a door isn't as hard as I've made it out to be. And if that's it, I realized in the same instant, I WANT IN. All the people in my Group and otherwise who've stood by me through this seeking process, which must've been awfully frustrating at times - I want what I see in them. I put the word out to my Group that I wanted to talk with them Wednesday night after service. Whatever I needed to do, I wanted to do it!

And here I am. Or, maybe just as accurately, there I was. The end of a long seeking journey, staring out in absolute awe at the spiritual journey ahead. I ran, and I made it!

40 Posts in 40 Days on (Brief!) Hiatus...

Just a quick note to apologize for the recent lack of posting... very busy right now helping out with a project related to the Dive-In entrustment at Quest! We have an awesome series of kickoff events coming up after Dedication this Friday. More soon!

40 Posts in 40 Days | Day 19

Cultivating Community
Originally Written September 4, 2009
Today I read Luke 9-12

Point to Ponder:

• Community requires commitment.
  

Question to Consider:

• How could I help cultivate the characteristics of real community in my small group and church?
  

Again, I feel as though Quest and my Life Group are leading the way with today's reading. Point by point:

1. Be honest. This has actually been discussed previously, with the passage about the aggressive authenticity of my group experience.

2. Be humble. I've certainly tried my best to bring this to group myself. I know that as a seeker, I'm coming to LG as a bit of an outsider. I therefore don't exhibit (at least, I hope I don't) an overconfidence in all things religion.

3. Be courteous. Well, this one is pretty self-explanatory. We're a pretty easygoing group overall, and I think I think it's pretty easy for everyone to get heard who wants to be.

4. Be confidential.

5. Meet regularly.

Those two don't even require elucidation on my part.

I realize there are more things involved with those five areas than the surface material I've shared, but the bottom line remains that I'm happy and humbled to be a part of such an incredible group of guys.

Certainly, not all of LG is easy or even pleasant. Still, though, I feel we have a great enough command of the basics that we have a successful group.

I know experiencing Life Group firsthand has been an amazing experience for me, and one that has taken me to places I never even knew existed.

I've shared a great deal with my LG guys, and they've all shared things with me. I see a long-standing arrangement whereby we'll be able to "do life together" for a long time to come. I'm looking forward to having such a great group behind me!

40 Posts in 40 Days | Day 18

Experiencing Life Together
Originally Written Sept. 3, 2009
No reading today.

Point to Ponder:

• I need others in my life.
  

Question to Consider:

• What one step could I take today to connect with another believer at a more genuine, heart-to-heart level?
  

Well, this is another area where it seems Quest has it exactly right. Regardless of what else may come of me undertaking this 40-day experiment, I'm definitely going to come out the other side with a deeper understanding of and appreciation for my church.

My Life Group is the exact embodiment of everything Pastor Warren describes in today's chapter. And an underlying philosophy of "doing life together" is taken straight from the Bible.

If I could only use one word to describe my Life Group, "authenticity" would definitely be it. For a group of guys put together by someone at the Church who didn't even know all of us, it's amazing how quickly and solidly we gelled into a cohesive group. Every one of us - even me - brings something different to the table. I look forward eagerly to our time together every week.

I'm not exactly the most outgoing person in any sort of group setting, and I'll readily admit that. I'm used to being described as "quiet," or (my favorite) a sponge. At least, I've chosen to think of that in a positive, "soaking up knowledge" sort of way.

Anyhow, I'm not usually the first in a group setting to "open up." However, on the first night my Life Group met (our first 'real' meeting, not the first evening when we all went for Mexican) I made what was for me a very bold and extremely uncharacteristic move - I announced to my group that I'm not sure where I stand on the whole religion thing, and that I categorize myself as a seeker. I think it surprised some of them (why would you sign up for a Life Group is you're still seeking?), but in all honesty it couldn't possibly have surprised them as much as it did me.

I love the idea of the Life Group as a bigger variation of the cells in our bodies, and as cellular components of the body of Christ. I was reminded of a fractal - a Mendelbrott set, actually - during tonight's reading. The idea, specifically, that you can pick out a distinct pattern, zoom out to see that pattern being used to make a bigger version of the same patter, zoom out to see that pattern forming an even larger version of the same pattern, and so on ad infinitum. I had a small computer program once that let you do that, and playing with it always made me fell somehow significant - a small part making up a whole, I suppose. Maybe this is why.

40 Posts in 40 Days | Day 17

A Place to Belong
Originally Written Sept. 2, 2009
Today I read Luke 5-8

Point to Ponder

• I'm called to belong, not just believe.

Question to Consider

• Does my level of involvement in my church demonstrate that I love and am committed to God's family?

Today's reading and question are very interesting to me, since according to Pastor Warren's definition I've already made the move from "attendee" to "member!" Even more evidence that I've been overthinking this whole "religion" thing.

It puts me in a bit of weird situation, though. I'm actually working quite hard - both mentally and, after this past weekend, physically, to help Quest. Which, ostensibly, I haven't actually "joined" yet. I'm either fooling myself or them. Probably myself.

I say that not facetiously, but because I know that I truly care for the guys in my Life Group and the rest of my Quest friends. I really enjoyed spending my time this weekend helping to get the field ready for Questapalooza. And this summer, when I watched all the people coming in successive waves to be baptized, I felt a distinct sense of honor and also humbled to know that I had been able to set the stage for that (literally!).

And it took no time for me to agree to help the Dive-In team with their ministry, even though I know full well the time and technical expertise (neither of which I have in particular abundance) to pull it off. But I know that Dive-In is a key way to let newcomers to Quest feel that they truly belong, and I know first-hand the great feeling that brings with it. Put simply, how could I NOT be a part of that, having been given the opportunity to do so?

I guess on some level I live to think of it as a two-way, mutually beneficial relationship. I get to learn from the guys in my group and from the other people at Quest what it means to be a Christian and, well, they get to teach me. OK, that seems a little self-centered now that I'm reading back over it. But it also kinda rings true. Quest's mission, after all, is to transform unconvinced people into whole-hearted followers of Jesus. I'm here, and open to being transformed. Convince me!

I'm looking forward to seen where this, well, quest takes me next. It's heartening to realize that even as a seeker I'm taking the right (I think, anyhow) approach to church. I really want to give more than I take. In this regard, I feel like I'm pretty much on the right track.

Undoubtedly, Quest is not your average church. I can say that unequivocally since we tried out so many "average" churches before coming to Quest. It's an honor and a privilege to have a church like Quest as I continue this journey.

40 Posts in 40 Days | Day 16

What Matters Most
Originally Written September 1, 2009
Today I read Luke 1-4

Point to Ponder:

• Life is all about love.
  

Question to Consider:

• Honestly, are relationships the top priority in my life? How could I insure that they are?
  

I like to think that relationships are the top priority in my life. Then again, there are a lot of things I like to think. That doesn't necessarily make them true now, does it?

I definitely get distracted by all the ephemeral "stuff" and let myself get pulled away from my family and friends.

Work gets in the way, that's for certain. It's less so now that I'm at the law firm than when I was in retail, at least. Still, though, I find myself getting wrapped up from time to time in day-to-day things that are honestly about as far from eternal as it gets.

That's actually a very profound passage in Pastor Warren's text that I hope stays with me for a very long time - how we love people determines how we are remembered. Love is the only way to build a legacy. For some reason, I'd never thought about it in those terms. It's one of those things that seems so obvious now, but it honestly never dawned on me until I read it that all the time I've wasted trying to hand-craft a legacy - write a thesis, write an article, write a book - all those things might be worthy endeavors, but they're not the route to go to actually leave behind something that lasts. What if I'd taken the time I spent spinning my wheels in grad school and instead spent time getting to know my grandparents better? Which of those would have been a better use of my time? What if I'd put the time I spent (nearly wrote "wasted," but that would be true because of the friendships that came of it) at the bookstore investing in my marriage?

But, as disheartening as it is/was to realize all these things, I'm glad I figured it out now rather than later. Plus, (I'm determined to end this on a positive note, and my space is dwindling!) I see ways just in the past few weeks and months that my priorities are shifting for the better. I'm giving more of my time to my LG and to Quest. At home, we're finding more ways to make time for ourselves as a family. Through my LG and Quest, I'm even back to having "friends!" Novelty! Gotta go, there are people I need to love!

Verse of the Day

"The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
--Galatians 5:14

40 Posts in 40 Days | Day 15

Formed for God's Family
Originally Written August 31, 2009
Today, I finished Mark

Point to Ponder:

• I was formed for God's family.

Question to Consider:

• How can I start treating other believers like members of my own family? What could I do today?
  

I've actually felt a bit like a family member the last few weeks at Quest. Last night, I met with the guys in my Life Group at the church and we spent the evening helping to get ready for this weekend's grand opening celebration. We actually put in about three hours' pretty hard labor cleaning up the construction debris and hauling it around to the side of the building (soon to be the front!) to the construction dumpster. By the end of the evening, we had filled it up.

And I didn't mind a bit to be there, doing it. My wife and I had worked all day Saturday rearranging the living room, and I spent Sunday after church mowing the grass. By rights, I probably could have spent the evening sitting in front of the TV and not felt the least bit guilty about it.

But the people who were at Quest working really do feel like family to me. I know I have a lot of processing left to know what that means, but they were all there working and I knew I needed to be there, too. When family members need help, you help. No questions asked.

So despite being pretty sore today, I don't regret for a second the work we did. I'm at a different spot on my own spiritual journey than the other guys in my group, and while I recognize I have a way yet to go I also know how far I've come. There's going to be somebody in the crowd this weekend in the same spot I was in this time last year. If the work we did last night does any little thing to get that person to come back and come to love Quest as much as I do, then I would load another twenty construction dumpsters by myself for the privilege of helping that to happen. After all, helping each other is what family is all about!

Verse of the Day

"His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ."
--Ephesians 1:5a